Friday, January 30, 2009

The old house


When I first moved to this house my nightmares began. The house was old and fragile but had a presence on the street. It was tucked behind several trees and had a meandering road that lead to it. It had a lot of character to it that drew me in right from the begining. The front of the house had a great bay window that had intricate designs painted on the colonial glass panels. There were two great double doors leading into the immense house. The one thing that set the incredible house apart from others was the balcony off the master bedroom. The balcony opened up to the endless garden of geranimums below it. The garden featured a trellis that enhanced the fairy-tale like setting. I was stunned when I heard this house hadn't been sold yet. The previous owner had a hard time selling it. There were rumors that it had been haunted by a derranged ghost. Others had been reluctant to buy it, but I was not scared of ghost stories anymore. Besides, I thought, What's the worst that could happen...Right?

I heard the first of the rumors from the owner himself.
" Well there was this lady, young lady, not too older than you miss, who was soon to be the wife of a very affluent man in the town . See the boy stumbled upon this load of money gambling in the city and refused to share it with his family. Well on the day her their wedding was a tragic one of that. Her husband and her got married underneath the trellis amongst the geranimums and blooming flowers in the garden. After the reception the young man was no where to be found. When they finally found him, he was prostrate on the wooden floor, lifeless. Some say that his wife poisoned him to have the money all to herself. But the funny thing is she died a couple months later. Some believe she hid the money on this property. Hey good luck finding it. I swear, I've searched up and down this estate and I couldn't find even a cent of it. But just stay clear of the woman. Sometimes, late at night, you can even hear the lamenting of the young woman...."

The first time I had nightmare, of this strange woman, was about a week after I bought the house. The vision was so clear and vivid, it was almost real. I was in my room and I heard a woman’s voice. She had an ethereal voice. I followed it through the back door out onto the terrace. I was spirit-like in movement. I floated pass the trees and over the small trellis in the backyard. I was always brought to that same place. I would almost flash back and flash forward to a lively wedding jubilee with the woman and then back to reality. In the visions she was always with this young man. They were both beautiful and supliant. She wore a long gown that had intricate embroidered patterns and was embellished with beads. It nipped in at the waist then flowed away from her body. He wore a traditional suit that fit him like a glove. They looked so happy. I don't know why a woman with such a happy life would end up killing her husband and then end up haunting the very house I lived in. All of a sudden I was standing in the attic. She was there too. She was no longer She looked solemnly at an old jewelry box. She opened it and inside was a letter written by her. I woke up gasping for air.

I felt like in every dream I got a message. With every new dream I became more leery of how her husband died. I was told that his wife murdered him, but from what I saw was not the case at all. I was going to get to the bottom of this.

That day I poked around the house a little. I discovered an old dusty attic. Amongst the dust and other critters i stumbled upon a box of letters. It was the box in my dream. I read one dated in June, two months after the wedding. It was written by the woman it said that she hid the money on the propety and that her mother-in-law would never find it. She said that her evil mind and underminig actions would never sufice and no matter how hard she tried she would never get the money. It was located in her favorite place in the whole in tire world and her mother-in-law would never find it. I felt compunction while reading the note.



I woke up that morning in a chilling air from another nightmare. I walked over to the double dutch doors that led to the balcony and searched out into the yard. I pondered my dreams and searched for answers. All of a sudden I had an epiphany. She didn't do it, I thought, She's innocent. After everything that I had discovered and saw I knew who did it. I knew where the treasure was and who killed the young man. I knew the secrets of this unsettling mystery. The only thing left to do was to punish the person that was responsible for it.


I figured the mystery out. The mother-in -law killed her son. She was avaricious and wanted her son's money but he refused to give it to her. She murdered him in the attic to make it look like his wife killed him for the money. The wife knew the tacit schemes of her malignant mother-in-law and hid the money in a safe place, her favorite place, the geranimum garden. With fear of being caught and snet to prison by her son's wife, the mother-in-law capriciously murdered her benign daughter-in-law.


She was still alive today, the mother-in-law. It was difficult to locate her, for she had an alias name. We found her in a small hamlet, two towns over. When the police showed up at her door, she was dumfounded. Her countanance was grave and shocked. She denied the alligations but once I gave the letter to the police chief, she was incarcerated for murder. Later, when i told the chief about the fortune, a surveying crew came over and dug up the garden. There in a tiny, wooden box was a check for one million dollars. The chief told me since it was found on my property that I was the rightful owner to it. That evening I noticed something had changed. It felt like a weight had been lifted off my chest. For once I was placid. That night I didn't have any nightmares. She was gone. She finally was at rest and so was I. I guess the money was a reward for punishing the mother-in-law and releasing her spirit. The next morning was the start of a brand new life.

4 comments:

Hannah P said...

Author's Notes

When I first wrote this rough draft I really didn't have a theme in mine. I'm not particularly one hundred percent behind my theme but I guess one message could be that history is more important than money. I'm still working on it so things could change still.

I think I am very descriptive in some parts of my story. I think I put a lot of details in specific parts of the story. However I am sometimes not as specific in other places of the short story. I think that works well because it is a short story and you don't neccessarialy need every little thing to be as detailed as the important things in it.

I think my short story is really choppy in parts. I don't really think it flows really well and other parts are just confusing. It was hard to fit all of the vocabulary words together. I also had a hard time picking the right words that would make sense in my story. Also I think the ending was kind of rushed and a blur so I know I need to work on that.

I would want to know if my story makes sense and how to make it more clear. I want to know which areas need more work like if i should take out some parts. I would like the reader to focus on the ending too because i want to know if it needs some more detail to make it more clear.

kyleenglish9 said...

1. There are two conflicts in this story. The first is that the protagonist is being haunted by the widowed, previous owner of her new house, and the second is that the dead woman is trying to clear her name, even in death, and bring the woman who killed her and her husband to justice. Both of the coflicts are external. In the end, the main character helps the ghost prove who really committed the crimes, the killer is put in jail, and the ghost is finally laid to rest. I was very invested in this resolution. It was very dramatic.
2. The main character overall doesn't really change over time. She learns to accept the fact that she needs to help a ghost prove her innocence, which, in turn, I suppose, opens her eyes to the world of spirits. Her great epiphany in the story is when she finally realizes who committed the two murders. This is very important to the story because it was how the police were able to capture the criminal, and had she not found this out, the ghost would've remained in her house and the killer at large.
3. I really liked the part where she was describing her very first nightmare in the house. It occured in the rising action.

"She had an ethereal voive. I followed it through the back door out onto the terrace. I was spirit-like in movement. I floated pass the trees and over the small trellis in the backyard."

It was very eerie and somewhat intriguing. It made me want to know what was going to happen next.
4. The best quality of this story was how it flowed from one scene to the next, keeping the story smooth, focused, and interesting.
5. The theme of the story is that justice will always prevail, even after you think all the evidence of a crime is gone. Truth and goodness will always find a way to defeat lies and evil.
6. One of the only things I could think of to revise for this story would be explaining further HOW the protagonist had the epiphany that the mother-in-law killed the son and his wife. Tell about the clues and the puzzle pieces that she finally put together in her mind to reach the conclusion that she did.

Hannah P said...

1) The biggest change that I've made to my story was change my whole plot. At first the ending to my story was completely different and didn't really have a theme. But now I changed the ending and my story has a theme.
2) The best editing tool was the comments. I thought the comments gave more feedback and it was more personal. It gave better advice as to fixing one's story and it helped me improve my story more.
3)I think the greatest strength of my story is the detail that I gave. I thought I described the charcters really well. I also thought my plot was good but I just need to develope it a little more and tweak it just a little bit.
4) My advice to next years students is to not make your story too complicated. My story was very complicated and it was so hard to fit all this detail into a short story. Next year I think students should also have a theme in mind before writing the story. I though it was very helpful to start with the basics rather than writing the story blindly then trying to fit all the criteria in at the end.

Hannah P said...

1. Affluent-(adj) rich. has lots of money.
This described how wealthy the husband-to-be was.
2. Prostrate-(adj) lying flat on the ground.
This described how the husband looked when he was killed.
3. Lament-(verb) to cry.
This is the emotion the ghost protrays because she's mourning her husband's death and her messed up life.
4. Jubilee-(noun) a celebration.
It was her happy wedding day.
5. Supliant-(adj) humble or modest.
This is how the couple looked and acted in the dream.
6. Emellish-(verb) to enhance or exaggerate.
This was used to describe the whost'd dress in the wedding.
7. Leery-(adj) suspicious.
As the main charcter is seeing these visions in her dream, she is more and more skeptical about the husband's death.
8. Undermine-(verb) to weaken or sabotage.
It described how wretched the mother-in-law was.
9. Compunction-(noun) a feeling of uneasiness.
This is how the mian charcter felt when she was finding out the feelings the wife towards the mother-in-law.
10. Avarice-(noun) greed.
This described how money hungry the mother-in-law was.
11. Tacit-(adj) secret.
This was used to describe how the mother-in-law planned her son's murder.
12. Capricious-(adj) impulsive, without much thought.
The mother-in-law was histerical and needed to do away with the wife fast and didn't think things through.
13. Countanace-(noun) facial expression.
It described how the mother-in-law looked.
14. Placid-(adj) calm.
This is how the mian character felt after the ghost left the house and she didn't have anymore nightmares.